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July 4th, 2004
01:25 am
FQOTD
[elend] In my 20 years of life... :P
[elend] Guess how many numbers from females I've gotten. :P
[Crash-ed] Zero. :P
[elend] Wrong. :P
[Crash-ed] I take that back. :P
[Crash-ed] At some point your mother must have taught you your home phone. :P
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May 9th, 2004
02:51 pm
Bahaha. :P
FQOTD:
[Crash-ed] Post a picture. :P
[Crash-ed] I will send her the URL. :P
[Crash-ed] And ask if she woul dlike to talk to this individual. :P
[danp] http://glueless.net/danandhottie.jpg :P
[Deathreap] Jesus christ, dan. That guy with the fucking goatee is making a move on your woman and you're just sitting on that bench like a chump. :P
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March 10th, 2004
01:19 pm - Mothafucka, I'm a playa. :P
Full update coming soon, motherfuckers. :P
Meanwhile, if you meet the following criteria:
1) Your name is Greg.
2) You live in Colorado Springs.
3) You are up at INSANE hours of the night.
4) You can bring me all the fine ass Colorado hoes.
You need to contact me ASAP. I'm making travel plans. :P
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February 11th, 2004
06:43 pm - Never gave a thought to crashing 'til someone said I crashed like you... :)
There is an epic war being waged, my friends.
It is raging all around us, yet we do not see it, smell it, hear it, or taste it.
Yet it cannot be said that we do not feel it, for feel it we do. It is so visceral, so deep, so irrevocably intertwined with our hearts, our souls, indeed, the very essence of what makes us human, that it resonates down to our very bones.
No, I'm not talking about anything we have done, or any words we have said, or any machine of destruction that we are riding, like a skinnier and more "hip" version of Dr. Strangelove, inexorably toward the end of all things.
No, this subtle war is being raged over a symbol.
A trivial symbol, some would say. A tiny symbol, almost invisible, that occurs at the end of every line.
What symbol am I referring to? None other than...
:P
It began, as many things begin, with a whimper:[Scorponok] Crash-ed. :P
[Scorponok] I have a request of your "blog". :P You know, I was definitely thinking, "The great Bill will hear your request, impudent mortal," but it never comes out quite so grandiosely:[Crash-ed] What's that, Scorponok? :P And so it begins:[Scorponok] Crash-ed: Stop fucking using :P at the end of every line in your blog. :P All right, but in exchange I demand the right of prima nocte... Oh wait, Scorponok's going to be a virgin all his life. :P
Firstborn son, maybe? Fuck, nope... :P
Aww, fuckit...[Crash-ed] Scorponok: I will take your advice into consideration. :P He wishes I were that easy.[Crash-ed] And summarily fucking DISCARD IT, asshole. :P
[Crash-ed] Unless you provide some rationale. :P But then things started escalating...[zin] never stop.
[zin] Never. :P That's what she said. :P
This is obviously an issue that's not going to be settled without a fight:[Scorponok] zin. :P
[Scorponok] You have failed me for the last time. :P Zin, the last and most valiant of the old guard, brandishes his "sabre:"[zin] I wont let you waltz in here at the last moment and deny the world the glory of the colonpee. :P 'Nok, rightly dubious about the length of his own "sabre," tries for the diplomatic resolution:[Scorponok] Zin. :P
[Scorponok] I am not saying it can't be used to emphasise, on special occasions. :P
[Scorponok] But it can be overused. :P But zin wasn't having any of that bullfuck:[zin] THis organization is about the abundance of colonpee. :P
[zin] Is that not obvious? :P 'Nok, still in awe of zin's "sabre," continues to pursue the diplomatic route, to no avail:[Scorponok] It works in the channel. :P
[Scorponok] As I myself am wont to demonstrate here. :P
[Scorponok] But it doesn't work in a blog. :P
[zin] Thats where we disagree, it works all over. :P Realizing the miserable failure of his pathetic supplication, 'Nok finally decides to whip out.[Scorponok] zin: Let us duel to the death. :P And zin spells out for us exactly what kind of fight this is going to be... :P[zin] Let our streams of yellow justice cross in a a sword match for justice! :P
[zin] (and also wangs) :P I hate to say it, but I'm with 'Nok on this one:[Scorponok] Get away from me. :P Anyway, I solicit the opinion of the readers on this one. Do you like the colonpee? Your opinions will, of course, be summarily discarded, but I would like to hear them nonetheless. :P
FQOTD:
This is a continuation from our last tragic episode, where elend basically guaranteed he wasn't going to get any. Of course this is the part where I render my sage advice on how he might remedy the situation...[elend] I did it so she'd wake me up. :P
[Crash-ed] You should have assigned her a quiet ringtone. :P
[Crash-ed] Then fucking... :P
[Crash-ed] "Well, your ringtone is too quiet to wake me up." :P
[Crash-ed] "But with your lips wrapped around my soul pole, there's no way I can remain asleep." :P
[Crash-ed] Sure winner. :P
[elend] ahaha "soul pole" :P
[elend] you win. :P Hey. Shut up, you. It worked on Aurora Snow, didn't it? :)
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February 9th, 2004
11:09 pm - Meet me at the mission at midnight, we'll divvy up there... :P
Back in ancient times, the force of natural selection would eliminate dumbasses. Because they'd go and do something like walk into the wide-open jaws of a sabretooth-motherfucking-tiger and be recycled into the tripe that they were. And most importantly, they wouldn't reproduce, relieving the future of the burden of dealing with their inevitably stupid kids. :P
Today we have welfare and free hospitalization... which basically means that the stupid can fuck and multiply like rabbits. This has all kinds of disastrous motherfucking consequences for those of us who don't have to suck at Big Brother's metaphorical teat to survive. We are constantly swimming in a sea of people who by all rights should have died. :P
I long for the days when the fact that a person was standing before you alive and healthy was proof positive that they were smart. Supposedly we've changed for the better, but what has this been replaced with? Here are just a few examples. :P
Things I Hate About Civilization
1. Shopping (except at Fry's Electronics)
Let's keep it simple, shopping is for gay guys and the problem with being gay is that I'm not. :P
Now, there is one exception to this and it is Fry's Electronics. :P
Who the fuck invented Fry's Electronics? Whoever the fuck he is, he can rule at my right hand any fucking time. How do I know it's a he? Because Fry's Electronics speaks to a part of the male mind that women just don't understand. :P
2. People who pay with motherfucking "cheques" at the grocery store
I was at the grocery store today, so naturally I proceeded to the candy aisle to procure myself a motherfucking BARREL of RedVines. RedVines are great. But today, kids, we're not discussing what's great. We're discussing fuck-awful cumstains on the glittery black dress of the Universe. :P
And when you think of that phrase you can't help but think of those assholes that whip out their checkbooks while you're standing behind them with your ONE ITEM just wanting to hand the cashier a $5 and get the fuck out. :P
I know a hundred people have ranted about this one before so I'll spare you. Suffice it to say that if I ruled the universe these doddering asshats would be slaves mining plutonium out of Uranus. :P
3. (Wo)men who ask you to buy them (drinks, food, presents, anything.)
This is like saying, "Hey, you can pay to get to know me." What kind of unmitigated arrogant bullfuck is that? First of all, I doubt you're worth it, hobag. Second of all, WTF? :P
How would these bitches like it if I said "hey, suck my cock and maybe I'll let you get to know me?" I'd probably get slapped in the motherfucking face. And I admit, I would deserve it. So do they. :P
People like this are hypocrites. And whores, since they're basically asking you to buy their company. One person said to me, "youre going to be a lonely man if you don't buy women gifts." Well I'd rather die single than engage in a relationship with that sort of whore. Moreover, the stupid motherfucker who said this to me does nothing but do girls' homework for them like the twat-starved bitch that he is. :P
My policy on this? 1 blowjob = +25 guaranteed percentage points on your next homework assignment, baby. Granted, it hasn't gotten me any head yet, but I also haven't had to waste time solving other people's problems, so I won out either way. :P
Not to mention that the jackass who gave me this gem of advice is still a virgin. Which brings us to the next point. :P
4. Self-ignorance and Hypocrisy
When natural selection was in full effect, you had to know your own limits. Insult a person bigger, stronger, or smarter than you and you die. Take on an animal you couldn't handle and you starve. You had to know yourself. :P
Thanks to stupid-ass concepts like "laws" we live in an essentially consequence-free world where you can say and do anything you want to anyone you want and you pretty much aren't punished for it in any way. Hell, even if you break a law they give you some pussy-ass punishment like the electric chair. Bring back the iron maiden, I say. :P
Leaving us with ASSBAGS like the guy above, who render advice even in the face of their own miserable fucking failure at life. When you become like me, which is to say that you succeed at everything, then you can start rendering advice. Until then, you need to be Santa's little helper and SHUT YOUR DAMN CAKEHOLE. :P
5. Impotence Isn't
More generally, if you ran up against a situation that you were powerless to control, chances are you died. Again, thanks to "laws" this is no longer the case. :P
Consider an example. Some dumbasses don't agree with the arguments in some of my articles here. Problem is, I'm 100% right. But let's just SAY, to give them a break, that there exists some fucked-up fantasy world in which I'm wrong. Of couse, they respond with something like "I think your point (...) is wrong because the logic breaks down here..." and we have a great debate about the subject. :P
Oh wait, I was ascribing some sort of intelligence to these people. But no. I know what's going on inside their tiny minds. :P
They're thinking "Shitshitshit hes right but I cant face reality OH NOS WHAT DO I DO!%!^#^" In the face of their total powerlessness against the unmitigated truth, they hit the psychological equivalent of the panic button. Apparently this button jacks you into the Matrix and asks Tank to load the motherfucking "LOLOL ME IN THIRD GRADE" program. :P
And what is the utter tripe that issues forth? "U HATE WOMEN U WILL NEVER GET ANY HAHAHA!@%!@%" "UR GRAMMER IS WRONG" "OBVIOUSLY UR (FAT/STUPID/UGLY/DICKLESS)" :P
If you're a woman and it's this easy to get you to revert to a third-grade level, then how hard is it going to be to get you in the sack, eh? If you're a guy, congratulations on demonstrating that you're weak-minded. Be honest with yourself, if you engage in this kind of shit you are better as a (sex) slave than you are as an intellectual peer. :P
6. Bad Drivers
If I had my way, all cars but mine would be made of FLIMSY ass plastic material. This will teach people to stay the fuck away from me. Also it will make car repair cheaper for those physically strong enough to withstand impacts. :P
And instead of airbags, if you got into an accident, shrapnel would burst forth from your motherfucking steering wheel, killing you instantaneously. And if you survived the shrapnel, the Castrat-O-Matic in your seat would fire, ensuring at the very least that you would never produce shitty-driver offspring. :P
Trucks would be made of rubber so that you could run them off the road with no damage to your own car. Plus I have always loved bumper cars and fantasized about playing it on a real road, with real lives at stake. Does that make me a twisted son of a bitch? :P
Motherfucking sniper towers would be placed on all major highways at three-mile intervals. In each sniper tower would be a trained military reservist with standing orders to lead-fuck the face of any ASSHOLE trucker who moves his shit-log of a vehicle into the left lane, which is reserved exclusively for '96 gold Chryslers with sexy motherfuckers behind the wheel. :P Besides clearing the highway of obscenely stupid assholes who think their large, slow-moving vehicles can compete with mine, it gives our reservists something to do. Win-win. :P
FQOTD:
[Crash-ed] How'd yo piss her off? :P
[elend] I said, "I'll give an annoying ring tone to an annoying girl!" :P
[elend] she didn't like that much :P
[elend] but really it's so that she wakes my ass up in the morning :P
[Crash-ed] You think she is going to call you in the morning after that suave line, Casanova? :P
[Crash-ed] Think again. :P
[elend] "Casanova"? Unwarranted. :P
[Crash-ed] You're goddamn right it's unwarranted. :P
[Crash-ed] It's so unwarranted that it could only be sarcasm. :P
[Crash-ed] Which was the idea. :P
[minya] Haha. :P
[elend] oh, fuck you :P
[minya] HAhahahahaha. :P
[minya] elend just fucking curbed himself. :P
[elend] I'm stepping away from IRC for tonight. :P
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February 8th, 2004
03:40 am - Use me, Holly... c'mon and use me. :P
So it appears some people have been reading this journal, and I've been getting feedback of various forms on it. :P
Mostly positive, I'm glad you motherfuckers like me, because otherwise I'd have to lay down the law. :P
But over the past week, I've had like 9 people mention Ladder Theory to me. They were like "HEHE HAY BILL UR ARTICLE REMNDS ME OF LADDER THEORY DOOD IB ET UVE NEVER SEEN IT." :P
Welcome to last week, fuckos. :P
I've known about ladder theory for over a year. :P
And I ran my long, hard "logic" so far up in its "argument" that it's never been satisfied by another "counterexample" since. :P
In particular, those asshats claim that guys and girls can't be friends without sex. I think this is patently false. Guys and girls can be friends without sex. And it's all about the topics of conversation. And since I love all the ladies out there, I've taken the liberty of writing a motherfucking guide. Note that this guide assumes you don't want to sex the guy... if you genuinely do, then the rules may be slightly different. :P
Crashing's Guide to Being "Just Friends" With a Heterosexual Male
1. Good Topics
The good topics are, you know, the things a male might find remotely interesting. :P
These include: Sports, games, alcohol, sex (with your hot friends, not you, stupid), various intelligent debates, and... Fuck. Shit I think that's it. :P
If you can talk about this shit for long periods of time without getting bored... congratulations. You can hold a guy's attention long enough on a non-sexual topic that you both find interesting and that means he's not getting bored and instead imagining how much better it'd be to have you bent in half over the table you're sitting at, screaming his name rather than your worthless, inane babble. :P
Unless you're really hot, in which case images of you bent over the table pop into his mind regardless... and it's in the middle of his thought pattern... and he says something really stupid and oh wait I'm off topic here aren't I. :P
Anyway, if this is you, then you are a good woman and I don't know about any other fucker, but I'd be glad to be your friend.:P
If this is not you, then guess the fuck what? Guys only want you for your sweet, sweet ass. Come to this realization, and deal with it. In my opinion the best way of dealing with it is by giving it to m... err, I mean them. :P
2. Bad Topics
Coming in second are the "bad topics." I know. You're thinking, "How the FUCK could the bad shit possibly be second? " Well, my friends, just wait until you see what's in motherfucking third. :P
Anyway, these are topics that a heterosexual male just fucking can't and shouldn't be made to relate to without substantial compensation. :P
I'm talking about: scented candles, bath oils, chick flicks, "that guy is so hot," "my friend X broke up with her boyfriend Y and...," "so I had this dream last night,"... You get me. :P
Let's face it, ladies. In order to see eye to eye with you on these things, we have to fucking chuck our manhood right out the damn window. You are taking something from us every time you bring a subject like this up. :P
If you take something from someone, you're immoral if you don't replace it. If we choose to stay in the conversation, you fucking owe it to us to replenish that manhood in the only way manhood can be replenished... with some sexual healing. :P
If you don't, you're immoral. :P
And back in medieval times, immoral women were known as whores. :P
Now I don't think I need to spell out the conclusion for you motherfuckers, but you can definitely see that the logic is ironclad. :P
On a related note, this is why the gay guys are so good with the chicks. Because they can discuss fucking.. bath oils and scented candles and hair care solutions and the hot guy they saw at the mall without their conspicuously-absent manhood evaporating in the nuclear heat of the ensuing estrogen fire. :P
3. Holy shit, get away from me, bitch!
The emotional topics.
These are the absolute, bar-none-worst subjects you can broach with a guy you aren't fucking or don't intend to be fucking sometime in the near future. I'm not even fucking joking about this. Don't ever drag a male into this abyss unless you are seriously into him. :P
These include: Your problems, your boyfriend, etc. :P
First off, if you're a guy, and a girl is talking to you about this shit but not sucking your cock, she wants to eat your soul. Run. Now. Far. Fast. :P
If you are a girl, just ask yourself the question: would he rather bang his head against a concrete fucking wall than listen to what I am about to tell him? If the answer is yes, save it for someone you're fucking. You're depressing. Stop. Seriously. :P
And really, this is perfectly reasonable. People have the right to go through life without other people depressing the shit out of them. Again it's downright immoral to do that to someone without paying them back with a little happiness, and what is happiness if not sex? See above for why you are a whore. :P
Motherfuck it, I could go on about this one for pages, but what I'm saying is... :P
If you want to ride the emotional rollercoaster with any self-respecting man, baby, you buy your ticket... with your ass. Get in line. :P
FQOTD:
Now this one needs some background information. :P
I was online, talking to some of my friends to see if this article was a good idea... and I used the word "chick." :P
Turns out I made a big fucking mistake and now I have to face the wrath of "merriw." :P [Crash-ed] So I'm thinking of writing an article on what a chick should do if she wants to be friends with a guy she doesn't want to sex. :P As you can see, I start out the conversation real casual-like... expecting some kind of fair-minded intellectual debate on the subject. I was quickly fucking disappointed. :P [merriw] im female but im not a "chick" WTF? Some kind of radical new surgery? I had to know for sure. :P [Crash-ed] That so? :P
[Crash-ed] Do me a favor. Stick your finger down between your legs and check if there's a hole or a BIG FUCKING SHAFT. :P
[Crash-ed] If it's a hole, you're a chick. End of fucking story. :P
[Crash-ed] Unless you keep your finger down there. And jiggle it a little. :P
[Crash-ed] In which case the story is about to get a hell of a lot more interesting. :P So I came right out and asked. This was a great opportunity for her to segue the conversation into the sexual proposition she must have been planning on offering me, because she clearly wasn't here for the intellectual discussion, now was she. But once again I was disappointed. :P[merriw] ya but maybe some think that term is derogitory
Aww, she doesn't appreciate my humor. Good thing she found someone who cares! Also, learn to spell, dumbass. :P [Crash-ed] WTF? It's a classification of the topology of your genitalia and your hormonal cycles. Get over it. :P You can take the man out of Caltech but you can't take the Caltech out of the man... :P[merriw] do u call black people (N-word censored :P) because its a classification of their skin color? Wait, WTF? Of course not. Much love to my brothas in the hood. :P
... :P
Holy. Fucking. Shit. :P
At this point I'm speechless. The wind is taken right out of my motherfucking sails. :P
Could this really be true? :P
The great Bill beaten in a fair battle of wits? :P
.
.
.
.
.
Naaaaaaah. :P[Crash-ed] Don't compare having two X chromosomes WITH ENDURING A HUNDRED YEARS OF SLAVERY YOU!^#!^$ STUPID#!^!#^ WHORE$@^@$^& :P She shut up right quick after that. :P[Crash-ed] Aww, hell yeah. :P
[Crash-ed] Another stupid whore removed from my section of the genepool. :P
But who can say what really motivates people? :P[XXX] did you pee in it again? :P
[Crash-ed] Oh. Fuck. :P
[Crash-ed] Here I thought it was my witty banter. :P
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February 6th, 2004
03:36 am - Boo hoo that your entire world is dying because of the evil white man, nothing new there. :P
Go to:
CollegeHumor.com
Scroll down to the article for February 4, titled "Ranking the Disney Princesses." :P
I swear to god, when I got to the following part I laughed So. Fucking. Hard. that the girl who lives next door to me came over and asked if I was all right: :P
First of all, she is fucking fucking hot. There is no denying that. Especially because during most of the movie she had a mouth but couldn't talk. Amazing potential.
Just go read it. Now. I will brook no delay. :P
But then I thought, wait a minute, the beast is THE MAN. I mean, he must have stretched her from here to next tuesday. Not only would you not feel anything, but you would probably fall in.
Bahahahaahahahahha. :P
Fucking awesome. :P
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February 5th, 2004
04:57 am - Heaven rocks. :P
You know religion is bullshit because they say shit like "the meek shall inherit the earth." The meek don't inherit shit, they just get owned like bitches. :P
I mean, what's the definition of meek? Being meek basically means you're a fucking pussy who never stands up for yourself. Being meek is bad. The reason religion encourages it is so they can more readily subjugate and enslave people. :P
On the other hand though, if all the strong and smart kill each other off... and it seems asshats like George W. Bush will take us down that path (North korea? What the fuck is in North FUCKING Korea that anyone would ever want? :P)... maybe the meek will be the only people left. :P
FQOTD:
[danp] he's hopped up on goof balls. :P
[Mukluk] Better to be hopped up on goof balls than propped up on black balls. Like you, asshole. :P
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February 4th, 2004
04:37 am - I lost my legs (and my virginity) in 'Nam. :P
Fucking spam. :P
I swear to god, every communication method I use is saturated with motherfucking spam. :P
And I know no woman is running things over at the spam clearinghouse, because all the ladies know Bill don't need no motherfucking Viagra, cheap or not. :P
I'm just waiting until spam is everywhere. Like, my girlfriend and I are going at it, and she's like "Oh god yeah yes baby visit www.shadyguy.com for great deals on used cars oh yes give it to me..." :P
Or, in the optimistic version of the future, it gets eliminated entirely. Then it'll be like I'm a fucking... Vietnam vet or something. :P
"You damn kids have no idea what it was like in the trenches."
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February 3rd, 2004
10:56 pm - I wanna be that magazine she based her life on...
FQOTD:
[Caqula] They should make a form of compressed weed smoke that gets breathed in through a special mask.
[Caqula] I would call it a "Bongulator" :P
[Crash-ed] Holy shit. :P
[Crash-ed] You're fucking hired. Be at your desk at 9am. :P
Current Music: Seether - Gasoline
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